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Went shopping in Cold Storage to get ingredients to bake bread (!!!) :D for Mrs. Lim's bbq. They were playing Christmas songs the whole time... okay... no problem... den suddenly I heard the starting tune to our Bi Ye Ge (Graduation song? Rmb chinese?) like... ~stunned! (!!!)
Cheh so they kope our song from a Christmas song -_-||| and cheat us- I thot is some nanyang girl/ music teacher from before composed it. So I did a check on google, the song's called Zion's Daughter by Boney M. Shall put abit of the lyrics here- guess you can start singing to it ;) Rmb the first two lines of bi ye ge?
The dunnowhat fen dou, si nian xue ye yi wan cheng, 2004 sishisi ji zhong si, si wu ba you sheng that bit, that tune is predominantly in the Boney M song.
Enjoy :)
Zion's Daughter by Boney M
Zion's daughter, now your heart is full of joy
In a cradle in the manger lies the holy boy
Zion's daughter, with your sweet angelic smile
Holding in your arms the Christ child, resting for awhile
Now the world is waiting, people want to hear
What in Bethlehem had happened, that have brought the saviour near
Now high hope starts rising for another day
With eternal love and justice finally on the way
That's the way it happened many years ago,
With the sky above the shining in a wonderous stroll
Now the world is waiting, people want to hear
What in Bethlehem had happened, that all will say you're near
Hrmmm... now come to think of it I feel reeaally cheated haha. A bit off la the bi ye ge now if you know what I mean. :P
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Wednesday, December 1, 2004, 02:59 p.m.
I've only got a wee bit of time, so I'll make this short. Figured that even if I dwell on it too much it won't be too healthy anyway.
As if I'm still dying to go back there after two harrowing and terribly uncomfortable weddings. Back to that 5-star hotel/country club/ office building whatever you want to make of it. It's so huge and classy and abit too... extravagant. Oh who cares. As long as it's not mine. They are overflowing with so much money- the whole cheerful giver thing probably.
Seriously thought we ended up in the wrong place- glitzy deco, band music, blasting speakers (oh why can't we have this for farewell ;) kidding) (ate dinner, now came back 1 day later)
Shit I don't want to continue with this entry- just remembering I did it makes me feel so irritated and feel like crying all over again- but shall just finish with what I started. Where was I? Oh yeah at the rock concert. With thousands of screaming people jumping up and down and getting excited and waving their arms and singing and clapping and I refused to do anything but just stand there, two feet on the ground. How can a caged bird sing? or dance or fly for that matter?
And the above was actually, one of the less provoking incidents of the whole experience.
Then next... How to Live? Huh?? Man why are these people so dependent on external sources for answers- always need others to guide them on even the most single basic question of life- it's not like they don't know or they are stupid- I just think it's because they keep fearing they will do something wrong because they've been taught they are so imperfect and lowly and whatever. And it's not like How to live with Compassion or How to live with Love or something that's abit more meaningful and maybe people actually do find it hard to incorporate in their lives, but from what I can get it's like How to live in today's secular world- isn't it what people have always done without a hitch from long time ago? *shrug* dunno.
Haha ended up it wasn't to do much with how to live anyway. More of a lecture about early church history. *eyes glaze over* Not that I lazy purposely don't want to think and reflect and absorb anything but... no foundation la- like teaching differentiation without knowing algebra first. Okay okay, I did try to get some stuff out of it- understood about the narrow way as ideal and rightist and leftist as being extreme and really bad, (like Taoist philosophy- middle way that kinda thing, or Archimedes' golden mean) got the Legalism part after paying lots of attention (dun ask me to explain here) and then came Antinomianism- wahhh... screwed-up man.
Definition of that word is like, "anti-law", then antinomians believe that can do wrong and they won't have to pay for it, dun have to face the consequences- won't let your eyes glaze over too so that's about all I'm going to explain. But in that place that term became used as a very convenient label to throw around to brand anyone who has different pov about ethical issues. On abortion, pro-choice? Antinomian. On mercy-killing, pro-choice? Antinomian. Even dun want to write down notes during seminar? Antinomian. So wahaha I'm branded yet again- seems our society just loves pigeonholing people. And it's not a fair label, it does not show respect, it just reeks of ignorance. And in the end when they throw it around so much I don't quite know what Antinomianism is anymore except that people there are uber-sensitive to that term now and desperately hope not to become one.
And this one really takes the cake- "you become reincarnated... again and again" (voice goes higher) "until you become- (peak)nothing!" [audience laughs] Literature student-tone of voice is mocking, sarcastic, condescending. Lay Buddhist- poor understanding and misintepretation of the concept of nirvana As myself- Outwardly looks pissed off, but deep inside... heartbreak... cry... cry...
sigh. this is such a watered-down version of the event. So many things also nv say. More I say more xin tong what's the point. But I take it as the price of knowledge lor- like jiao xue fei like that. And it's just like when you go overseas the more you are aware of your own Singaporean identity, same thing goes here. 1 against 18,000 people- you have no choice but to dig deep within yourself- and that's just the beginning.
And that's how so much pain can bring so much pleasure. And that's why I keep going back. Or maybe I'm just plain masochistic.
And I have made up my mind: I'll make sure someday you must realize what exactly it is that you have left. I'll show you the true, pure, beautiful face of my faith, because you grew up only seeing the mask, the veil. You know the joss-sticks, the incense, the statues, the temples, but you don't know the whole spirit of the freedom from attachment, the universal compassion, the inner peace. Let's put it in a way you'll understand- you grew up with the Legalist side- the spirit is lost from all that you do- and I have a hunch that's quite common here in sg. You can stay where you are- I realized (long ago) this isn't your home anymore- but do KNOW WHAT YOU LEFT.
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Saturday, November 27, 2004, 08:09 p.m.
Oh ya that reminds me. I was cutting up cardboard today and I accidentally cut my thumb. Man it HURTS. it actually HURTS! It's the first time in a while I had a slash cut since those times and it HURTS painfully, not like those days when it didn't hurt. It really didn't. Not much anyway. So I was feeling weird, hurting but really happy it was hurting. eh. :S
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Friday, November 12, 2004, 12:20 a.m.
The tiger people came over today :) but we were out eating pork ribs haha, so just found this yellow leaflet in the mail. They shouldn't be wasting their time in my neighbourhood la- all the houses are so teeny small for a tiger- and it's so obvious none of us have nice big basements so dun rub it in :( and not like we go poking around with our neighbours and know who has tigers and who has not.
Okay I wouldn't be so harsh- it's a pretty good thing they are doing actually- but I wish they will be more organised and not just hantam everywhere. Sixth Avenue is so huge, it's like everywhere, from Holland Road there to Bukit Timah there with lots lots lots intricate network of roads and ulu houses and what nots. Should narrow down their search, then send volunteers down, so that we won't be left with bemused and cynical people and maids who don't quite know what to do with that paper.
My guess, if there's actually a tiger, it's somewhere in a big, ulu, secluded house with lots of money to burn. yeah.
p.s. when daddy and mummy argued today daddy mumbled "there's also a tiger in lotus avenue" and tt was so lame :P but tt's just daddy.
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Thursday, November 11, 2004, 11:04 p.m.
Mummy is sweet! Was feeling kind of crappy about the Bio paper, that screwy one, and was trying to reason it out and make myself happier :) but it didn't quite work. So when mum came back I told her the paper wasn't quite so good, then she was like, "can pass or not?" and I was like, "yeah!" she put in into perspective for me :) it's only the o-levels. yeah- only the o-levels. Just one subject only some more. :) Doesn't mean I slack off coz it doesn't mean a thing, but, just forget about it :D Haha, been considering being a vet, not that I very much want to be, ok so there goes that thought :D I'll never take bio no more :)
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Thursday, November 11, 2004, 10:49 p.m.
"Where's your momma gone
(Where's your momma gone)
Far far away
Where's your poppa gone
(Where's your poppa gone)
Far far away far far awayayay..."
-Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep by Mac and Katie Kisson
I don't know. I really don't know where they have gone. Physically they are downstairs watching tv. Mentally they are floating somewhere out there.
Off chasing money and property and rental (as if we don't already have enough) and good grades for me (I thought they were good enough) and enough subjects (ISN'T 9 ENOUGH???) for sis.
They are chasing things that make them look successful. Whoa-ho so that we can make tons of money and we can get like 10+++ A1s (and Dad's talking about taking S papers for sis! HELLO?? she's S2??)and maybe they can live their by-society's-standard happy ever after.
*sigh. and for once I want something back from last year.
Daddy's love. I mean, if I go ask him now whether he loves me he'll say yes, but, like, something's gone. The love that I wrote about in the UWC essay, the love that "shows its true mettle in trying circumstances" and "overcomes everything" (abit poetical, but you geddit) is gone. Stolen by money. And grades. And finicky, stupid arguments.
And after all this mugging and mugging, I feel so stupid. Like not only is the o level facts and things not going into my brain, but I feel I don't know anything that's considered like, "important" in life. So I don't know anything at all. Like, I don't know how to keep my emotions to myself anymore. And I don't know God.
And I don't know how to love Him. Or even if I want to do so. And I don't know if He's facing the same problem vice versa. (But it's not like it means lots to me whether He loves me or not.) And I figured He gave up because I'm either too stupid or too stubborn (or both). Go check up Romans somewhere in Chapter 1. There it says He gave up on lots of people He didn't like. And other than the homo bit, they sound kinda like me. So. ya. :(
Okay. That's all I wanted to say. The above sounds really dumb :P sorry. Told ya. I'll going offline so as to try to be smart. There's still a few hours left. And I think qin neng bu zuo, so if I work really really hard maybe I'll make up for it. *smile* okay.
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Sunday, October 31, 2004, 05:17 p.m.
Went visiting jiaying's blog just like I always do. And right after my dad and I had a long talk about our family. A really long, long talk. yeah. things are not going that well. *sigh And her blog music was reminding about that "bigger family", and I'm thinking about the family next door too.. family family family... that word is swirling about in my mind now. What exactly does it mean to me? To be in a family? What does it mean to others? What is a perfect family? What is a good family? Is there even such a thing as a bad family? Who judges what is good and bad? Is it right to not want to be part of family (in a figurative kind of sense)? Family togetherness: it seems like in modern days family members drift apart, but how do you know this wasn't the case in the old days?
What I'm sure is that people need family. For some (like me!) the immediate family is all I ever need (I LOVE YOU!). Then for others they need to be part of bigger family, which is okay. And in a family there must be love. Any kind of family. But when members argue it's okay as long as they hug and kiss and make up. Hmmm, maybe that's all I need to know about family. And I shouldn't think too much and get down to actually studying bio prac. :(
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Wednesday, October 27, 2004, 11:26 p.m.
Yesterday I was outside at the garden playing with Mintie... and the neighbour kids, 3 of them, probably about 5 or 6 or 7 were out of the house too. And they were looking at Mintie through the fence and calling her name so I brought Mintie as close to the fence as possible and let them pat her through the fence :)
And at first they were asking innocent questions about Mintie like "why does Mintie run around" and "why does Mintie sleep in the day" and things like that. Kiddie stuff. And children always bring a smile to anyone's heart with their innocence... including mine then suddenly the oldest one said
Huang Na's been missing for 17 days now.
and I feel quite bad I can't really do anything to help, and like, nobody really can, everybody's just trying and trying to find her and... we all don't know if it's going to work.
Mum says she's so young and if she's been gone for so long then (*choi) most probably something really bad has happened. I don't really like thinking about that possibility but then again it could very well be true. And I guess I can easily slip into a worrying phase and worry about her... but what's better is to hope. :)
Okay. So I shall hope :) and I hope that:
She is a strong girl
She is taking everything that comes with stoic dignity
She is streetsmart
She is kept warm and dry when it storms
She is sheltered from the blistering sun
She has a comfortable place to sleep at night
She is not being abused in any way
and I hope that:
Whoever's supposed to be up there (Kuan Yin, Buddha, God, Allah, all of them) is keeping watch over her.
And if there's actually nobody up there, then
I hope that:
People like us will step forward to help in any way necessary
We don't give up searching for her too soon
We persevere even when the chance of finding her diminishes
We never forget her because we are too caught up in our own lives
and above all I hope that:
Her parents' suffering can cease. because
She is alive and well
She will come home, soon
:) I feel much better. There is hope.
Huang Na, take care. And we all hope you will come home soon.
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Wednesday, October 27, 2004, 09:23 p.m.
I hate to blog in school, coz I dun like using school comp. Don't ask me why. But I know if I go home and use my comfy home comp I'll never get offline and study.
Last weekend when I got so sick of studying I took a whole 5h off my productive working hours to go watch a movie :D Not just any movie, but a really really meaningful one- and it's free some more :) It's the movie premiere of Coming Home, part of the Yellow Ribbon Project, yea the one to stir up awareness of the need to re-integrate ex-offenders into society... they deserve a second chance too!
It's really refreshing (literally) to sit down in the middle of a big big field for hours and hours and breathe in the cool night air, while watching such a thought-provoking show. Thought provoking because during the beginning bit when the emcee was just warming up the audience and throughout the whole of the Yellow Ribbon campaign actually, I felt that the whole atmosphere was just too fuzzy-wuzzy, like as though everything is so perfect and alright, all is forgiven, and la-di-da happily ever after. The movie actually (read: politically-incorrectly) takes a brutally frank look at how forgiving ex-offenders can be so difficult, especially for the victims, and that not every inmate seeking acceptance or their family members have a happy ending... yup, a true view of reality. But the show is touching nonetheless... *sniffle
There was this other video clip they aired earlier about The Salvation Army bringing 48 kids to visit 31 mothers who are in Changi Prison during Mother's Day... oh that one was totally heartbreaking. The children are so young, some of them probably only 4 or 5, I don't think they understand why they have to be seperated from their mums and stuff. Then there was lots of hugging and stroking and kisses, but only for that little while, then when it's time to go you can see the children clamouring for their mothers and crying... it's so sad. It's like, pure joy and togetherness one moment, then sorrow and seperation the next, so poignant. *sigh. Those images are going to stay with me for a while.
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Wednesday, October 13, 2004, 05:41 p.m.
ah well. you can never know a person too well. there's always something new to discover all the time :)
some days (no wait, most days) your blog is full of act-cute ramblings, whining, being bhb... (whose blog isn't anyway, at some point or other) but still interesting to read because its you and only you can and will write that kind of stuff in that way you do, um, yeah. then once in a while you will post up a real meaningful gem of an entry :D like the latest one. got me thinking. (even more, that is :P) Thanks for that. :)
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Thursday, September 30, 2004, 10:53 p.m.
"Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got till its gone" or so that Big Yellow Taxi song goes. It was going round and round in my head... and I should have known. :P
It was the actual zhongqiuzie night... the moon was big and white and bright... and my neighbourhood was... quiet. dark. very normal. just still and quiet mostly, as though it was a normal day. HELLO? anyone out there?? I dun tink anybody remembers its a festival anymore.
Maybe I'm just stuck in a time warp. I admit some days I still live in the 10 years ago era, when I was still a little girl of six in blk 223 bukit batok east ave 3... and I still remember going to the RC lantern festival party at the basketball court, and I remember their goody bags year after year invariably has a wooden ruler, pencil, and some corny game with mickey mouse and friends, and I remember there's the dance competition and singing, and I remember walking along the Bukit Batok Hill, and I remember the kids playing with candles and lighting up the pathways with dots and dots of flames stretching on literally for miles and miles, and I remember the shapes you can draw out with the sparklers, and I remember the pretty pretty lanterns and their soft multi-coloured glow... I remember.
We moved, and that was the end of it all.
I wonder if HDB estates still hold these kind of parties like ten years ago these days... I've never been back :( And as of yesterday something inside me stirred, and off I was to get a lantern and relive the lantern walk... ten years later.
First stop: Cold Storage. It's a really good place to go if you want air-con and comfy music and fresh fruity smells of the supermarket... eh, but they don't have space for the dark nighttime excitement of the lantern festival, I guess :(
"Excuse me, do you sell lanterns?"
"What are you talking about?"
"Um, you know, like, paper lanterns?"
(blank stare and silence)
(tiny smile) "Oh nevermind, it's ok"
Oh dear.
A quick drop by 7-Eleven yielded nothing... then... *sigh* it's all the way, 4 bus stops away to Coro... just to get a humble little paper lantern... and I was thinking of the "wo jia lou xia" phrase... and the heartland convenience it connotes... which is lacking now.
so people were seeing this girl in a big big hurry... rushing about to get her little lantern (so happy! NTUC has! so, so happy!!!) rushing back home... get her dog, and start her little merry walkabout :)
And once again, the little lantern was there to light up the still, silent darkness, and for just one night, it was
yesterday once more.
I don't wanna give it
Why you wanna give it
Why you wanna givin it all away
Cuz you're givin it all givin it all away yeah yeah
Cuz You're givin it all away hey, hey, hey
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Wednesday, September 29, 2004, 10:30 p.m.
Today's schoolday was just prac, slack, prac, self-study... so uneventful :( but a thought suddenly struck me as I rethought about the bio prac, the homeostasis bit about dipping right/left finger into hot/cold water then putting them both in warm water that bit. Ms Lee elaborated and said something like "so if I put you in a very cold room and then later move you to a slightly warmer room, you will feel very hot", as in like much hotter than what one would expect given the tiny temp. difference.
I think this is true not just for the physical kind of warmth too... emotionally, just a little bit of human warmth can be felt so powerfully by a heart which has gone icy-cold. hmmm... not referring to anything in particular. Just a thought.
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Tuesday, September 28, 2004, 02:55 p.m.
haha I sound too happy in the previous entry :) But it was really a happy day :) today was spent at home slacking around as well. My left ear hurts *oww... probably some seawater that refuses to get out :( obacak is healing... and oh I just noticed I have two :(
Finally had the time to curl up and read the books I borrowed from library- all are about religion or spirituality - it's a thought-proving subject. I think I shall set up another blog and talk about the books. It's really long and I tink some people don't want to read about it anyway. In short, today I read two books- one about the Aum cult of Japan and one Spirituality for Teens.
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Friday, September 24, 2004, 08:40 p.m.
Now listening to "She" by Groove Coverage- it's a nice song for the beach :D and look down for the meaningful lyrics haha.
Ah... the beach.
Yesterday... after prelims and no school! Finally can stop playing the study robot and slackslackslack... slack! There's no better place than the beach... and no better people than dear dear sqms :D So there I was, happily tumpang daddy while he goes off to work and I go off and slack ;)
Okay. I'm convinced. Harbourfront MRT can be my MRT station home- spent about 1.5 hours there waiting for pple... so now I spent altogether about 4h in there liao if you add up all the times I've waited. wq came first, den mel, den danielle and stone...wx next... and we all waitwaitwaitwait (wait some more) for ... (no wait some more first)... wait... *melting into a puddle of boredom* dear ee-zai! finally we get to go off. yay.
Back to Siloso beach :) and there are lots lots lots of empty shelters coz its a schoolday and the only pple around are tourists with sunhats and cameras/other s4 ny pple/ some other pple who dunno why not in sch :S haha. We built a pretty pretty sand birthday cake for wx complete with banana and heart and creme puffs and cherries and icing! swam/float in the sea (nv swam for a looong time! water is cool!), and oh yay! wx relearnt how to swim successfully! *cheers just a little bit more practice and she'll do really fine. And we ate a lot... slacked even more... walked up and down on the beach and the isles... slack even more :D me and wq went off skating and cycling... we both got obacak... aiyoh :( but it was fun aniwae
But what I liked most was when we just sat around and talked and talked and talked... about lots of different things... and like, no one was dominating the convo or interrupting each other... each talked about as much as they wanted and we listened to each other, you noe, I dun remember exactly what we talked about... I know we talked about np stuff like when we were cadet de shi hou, about being CIs, about ex-ma'ams, about our own sqms, we also talked about far-out stuff like crop circles and bermuda triangle haha, and our plans for B35's future [the meeting up thing every 31st dec at 3.05 thing:)] and we don't know if it would work or not... frankly I don't remember much of the content we talked about... but that it was a very wen xin kind of feeling... something we haven't done in years and years and years and I wonder when that would happen again.
Oh and we were all burnt red/brown :D Right this moment I got like, this pink glow on my face haha- reduced from lobster red to pink :) the hours just fly and fly and fly... I didn't noe time flies when you're slacking. I thought if you're bent on doing nothing time will slow too. Oh well. :( so fast and we had to go home... we took a quick trip to the underwater viewing chamber-stingrays are cute when viewed from the bottom! and the turtles are huge... but the pond looks overcrowded :( A monorail ride back... and the bus back... and we are back to the mainland.
We bought ice-cream (B35's fave food :P) and walked around Harbourfront centre... just looking here and there and oh there is this pet shop with really cute cute rabbits... we stared a while... got entranced by the glorious smell of pasta from pastamania (*drool haha) and then... er. went home :(
wq took a lift from me and daddy from workplace fetch us back home again. :) But I didn't expect daddy to have so much work to clear and ended up we wait for 1 hr :( sorry wq! If you took the mrt and bus I think it would be faster actually :P sorry! But anw the 1 hour we were tokking and tokking so it didn't seem like a long wait. Oh no! I didn't noe 4/15 actually made mr. tan cry! :( they bully him like crazy lar... and mr. tan is so nice so they climb all over him :( oh and daddy had a interesting day at work- he went to Changi prison and visit the bakery there and he went on tokking and tokking and tokking... :)
I miss yesterday! wx was tokking about this show she watched where the main character, a journalist was trapped in a tomorrow-never-comes scenario... like when he sleeps and wakes up its the same day and he hears the same sounds and interviews the same person at work saying the same things and eating at the same restaurant with the same friend etc.... I don't mind if that recurring day for me was yesterday :) would like to enjoy it over and over again... maybe I'll get bored after the 3rd or 4th time haha... ok so the next best thing is to wait for the next one :)
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Friday, September 24, 2004, 07:56 p.m.
I was sending bro back to army camp last weekend and went recee my piano exam place with daddy, came home quite late. On our way back we passed by Balmoral Plaza there... was just staring out of the window not looking at anything in particular when I saw this church, then I was thinking, oh, just another church around here, then the words jumped out at me:
Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints; nono it's not church of the usual mainstream denominations (Catholic, Protestant, Methodist etc.) you see a church with that name means its a Mormon church.
A what? you go. A Mormon church... it's a cult with roots in Christianity... to me abit like Jehovah's Witness? I'm not so sure... Go type in the above name in a search engine and read up. I was so surprised there is a Mormon church in Singapore... (and so near my home too) thought it was a cult that only existed in places like the US. Mormons, I'm sorry :P
ok so Singapore is more religiously diverse than I thought. Thumbs up for religious harmony! :D
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Tuesday, September 14, 2004, 09:55 p.m.
WoW! The performance was smashing! sensational! mind-blowing! it was so... bad! I screwed up every thing that you can think of! Literally every single scale, appreggios (how u spell?) broken chords... everything had a slip, a mistake, wow! The pieces... ok lar... not so sensationally bad la. probably just below average- so boring :P Next comes sight-reading... which I played through so blur until dunno whether it's good or not. Probably not haha. And the cream-de-la-cream was aural! Hands up those who don't know how to sing C major! "do.. re.. mi... fa"? as in doe-a-deer?yesh? ME! Mozart becomes a Romantic composer! (he's Classical btw) yay!
Lessons of the day: If you're going to screw something really really badly, at least have fun and do it in style. Oh and don't forget to try again next year. As in do better that is, not failing in style :P
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Tuesday, September 14, 2004, 03:50 p.m.
I have sooo much more to blog but I will really really study so I shall leave it for later and blog this really important one.
Daddy went off for a business trip to Indo last wed. nothing much out of the ordinary coz he globetrots for business frequently, about once every few months, so this is just like, another business trip. Then out comes today's newspaper, front page, bomb blast in Jakarta. Called daddy, *phew, he's ok! :D turned out he's in Surabaya, supposed to go Jakarta today but didn't because the bomb already went off. He says where he's supposed to be is 100m from the blast. That's like, the distance from the NY sandpit to the volleyball court??? close shave!
Man, what would happen if the bomb blast occured later and he's actually in the area? I'm watching the news on TV now... it's quite bad... :( I'm thankful. Maybe it's just nifty scheduling of his appointments, maybe it's a stroke of pure good luck, maybe it's fate, maybe it's good karma, hmmm... maybe it's God?. I really wouldn't know. Still, thank you.
ok, reflective period over. Time to move on. STUDY!
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Friday, September 10, 2004, 09:25 p.m.
wx and me have been making kap our second home for this week. It's a reeally good place to mug! Not really because of the music, or the food, or air-con or whatever. It's because of the people. Practically every person inside there is studying, a level and o level peeps. You see everyone mugging, then you start to get stressed and actually become motivated to study ;) Not like now... at home and comfy with comp and tv and bed :P I promise to start studying again after I finish blogging.
Really :P
You could be like, eating your lunch there, then study digestion, and at the end of that topic you go to the toilet and egest the remains of your lunch out. okay, okay! So that didn't happen. But it could have, coz we are practically living there and going home only to slack and sleep ;) & when we're sick of mac food there's cold storage food, and if they're both too fattening then it puts you off food for a while so in the end you don't gain that much weight. stress keeps weight off too. Hopefully. ;)
wx's ex-pri sch friends also are regulars at kap. Feel so happy for her that she still keeps in such close contact with them :) Unlike mine... dri..ft......d..r..i..f...t...
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Friday, September 10, 2004, 09:09 p.m.
Yesterday mum asked me to be a door-opener. Seriously. To go back to our ex-ex-house at Signature Park and literally just open the door for the agent and the potential tenants to view the unit.
When I went back in, memories didn't exactly like, flood in. We lived there for only 1 year... can't remember much, just that it's very squeezy and sis and me had a double-decker bed and there were super great facilities.
But it was the first time I viewed a home, a place where I spent a piece of my childhood in, as a mere commodity, as a property to be rented out so that we can have some cash, as something so... commercial and businesslike. It just felt... how do you say "disenchanting" with less intensity?
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Friday, September 10, 2004, 09:04 p.m.
Blogging time! Very sick and tired of studying so shall de-stress a little while then get back to bio and a maths and lit and chem and piano. *sigh.
Oh dear this is a little (very?) late. It was a tiny incident but it did mean something to me :) Didn't really know how to blog it down last time.
It happened at one of the LTs, e holding area after some prelim prac. (can't rmb which one) The next day was o level oral, den marian was practicing using the TYS with me.
Then there was this piccy showing a Chinese temple... marian, being Catholic, like, dunno where to start and how to describe and she asked me to describe the pic for her. From the pic could see it wasn't a Buddhist temple... probably Tao or Confucian... I'm not exactly sure. But I described it the best I could... with the urns and the joss-sticks and the deities on the altar and the devotees... all the while knowing that to her, it's probably all heresy. *hrmmm...
I was feeling pretty bad and quite pissed that it was such an unfair piccy... some things look like marian was hearing it for the first time in her life and goodness knows how many people out there won't be able to do the piccy properly just because of their religion. But I felt quite xin1 wei4 that marian took the trouble to find out more and be interested... :D and listened and said thank you at the end. :)
Oh btw the convo for that pic was so weird too- something about comparing the different places of worship you've been to. Like, hello??? do they expect 16-year-olds to go temple-church-mosque-synagogue hopping and make it an integral part of their lives? And how about the freethinkers? *sigh. then we were both happily blasting the convo haha.
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Friday, September 10, 2004, 08:28 p.m.
Yay. I've come back into existence in cyberspace :) Our internet connection had some prob becoz strongly anti-virus/spyware/whatever (read: paranoid) sis had put up so many firewalls on our comp to block them out until guess what? she blocked the internet out as well :P and didn't know how to undo it back *best lor.
In the end daddy came to the rescue, tinkered around and got it back up and working again :D He is my new hero ;)
Let's talk more about daddy. He accompanied me to the UWC Centralized Presentation at UWCSEA on 28th Aug... and guess what? He got won over! Happy happy! I then gathered after that that besides the "precious daughter" thing, he was worried about the expenses of studying abroad, because our family finances are in a big mess now. Why?
Because the property rental market is really really bad. All the MNCs and foreign companies and whatever are cutting costs and giving expats lower budgets so they can't rent from us. If we lower rent to suit them more then we can't pay for the instalments of the bank loans, and can't pay rent for this pretty pretty house which I'm sitting inside now and typing this. If we sell the condo(s) now in this very bad market daddy says we'll make an instant loss of $400k (his whole life savings, by his words) coz the property price has dropped from $1.1 mil to $700k. So now dad and mum come home very worried and stressed and arguing about tenants which make me all ruffled up and edgy but there's nothing I can do.
Anyway it's confirmed. We are moving out of here once the lease expires, which is around July 2005. Can't really afford to stay here any longer. Most probably moving back to Signature Park in Bukit Timah, my ex-ex-house. It's a tad small but with bro in NS most of the time and most likely (I hope!) me in UWC come August 2005, it should be spacious enough- it's just dad, mum and sis. Hrmm... not exactly my wish of moving back into a HDB flat but if I mention buying another property to dad he will probably faint.
oK back to the UWC talk. Oh I haven't mentioned I met cheryl and her fren there :D There were less people than I thought... probably only about 20+ students and parents? This time round the students talked more about their personal experiences which were all so intense, interesting and unique to the UWC. I'm convinced you're never going to get something like this ever, even if you are like, going to overseas u to study, because UWC is like almost can become the youth-wing of UN liao, very committed to international peace and understanding and probably more action-oriented than UN. :D
So I'm sending in my app., (download the UWC application here)and hoping for the best. :D If very very tragically (oh yes, it's that bad... haha ;)) I (choi!) don't get in, I don't know what I'll do really... I don't want to go JC, not exactly Poly... I want to go out and join the workforce but dad will probably kill me for that... I can't volunteer full-time my whole life because there's no rice bowl in that... I can't exactly slack around... *sigh. Anyway now my Plan B is to go and work/volunteer (with horses!) for one whole year and then see whether I'm more inclined to go back into JC. I'll be one year older than everyone else but who cares. Better than failing promos kena retain coz my heart is not into studying.
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Friday, September 3, 2004, 08:01 p.m.
First heard this song few weeks back on the radio, I liked it alot :) The DJ said the band came up with this song as a dedication to all women in the world (smth liddat), and they detracted from their usual dance music songs and did up this pop song. The more I listened to it the better and better it sounds!
The lyrics are especially "wow". At first it starts out like describing this mysterious, popular, perfect girl, celebrated by everyone. Then towards the back they reveal this girl is in everyone of us. sweet!
To me it's also extremely refreshing and novel in terms of the more religious or spiritual side. In the song they refer to "God". I presume it's the Christian God. (non-Christians/Catholics can skip this whole bit if it doesn't make sense/ not relevant, can read if you want to anyway :D)
This song exalts women, honours women, praises women, because they are innately beautiful. I take it as this song says God created women because women are great, not so much because he is great. It gives more power, more liberty to women, to humanity. It's the first song I've heard that has God and women in the same song and praises women more than the God who made her. Is it blasphemous? Is it heretical? No it is not. The beauty of humankind is not because of God. It is because we just are beautiful.
Even if this song is a tad too idealistic for reality it's perks you up really well, if nothing else. It's not meant to be some spiritual song, it's a normal feel-god pop song with exceptionally meaningful lyrics so I'll try not to read too much into it ;)
"She" by Groove Coverage
She hangs out every day near by the beach
Havin’ a honeykiss fallin’ asleep
She looks so sexy when she’s walking the sand
Nobody ever put a ring on her hand
Swim to the oceanshore fish in the sea
She is the story the story is she
She sings to the moon and the stars in the sky
Shining from high above you shouldn’t ask why
She is the one that you never forget
She is the heaven-sent angel you met
Oh, she must be the reason why God made a girl
She is so pretty all over the world
She puts the rhythm, the beat in the drum
She comes in the morning and the evening she’s gone
Every little hour every second you live
Trust in eternity that’s what she gives
She looks like Marilyn, walks like Suzanne
She talks like Monica and Marianne
She wins in everything that she might do
And she will respect you forever just you
She is the one that you never forget
She is the heaven-sent angel you met
Oh, she must be the reason why God made a girl
She is so pretty all over the world
She is so pretty all over the world
She is so pretty
She is like you and me
Like them like we
She is in you and me
She is the one that you never forget
She is the heaven-sent angel you met
Oh, she must be the reason why God made a girl
She is so pretty all over the world
She is the one that you never forget
She is the heaven-sent angel you met
She’s the reason why God made a girl
She is so pretty all over the world
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Friday, August 27, 2004, 01:14 a.m.
Phys prac turned out much better than I thought! :D Thought was going to screw big time becoz of bad memories of last year's one. But everything went quite smoothly no big major mishaps... except for my answer booklet first page blank, didn't realise till middle of prac coz I was doing the lenses one first. New one, den everything's nicely settled.
Also first time I used the French curve (not curve rule, mind you <- that sux really bad) and hey it's not that bad. Maybe can use it when my hand is esp. shaky or I dun feel like drawing freehand :)
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Friday, August 27, 2004, 01:11 a.m.
Chem prac was more or less okay, except for the screwy 32.0/35.0 bit. First titration didn't add solution C at first so I titrated till 25.0 of A then wondered why nothing was happening. (As in the solution was blue colour all the way haha) Add C then whole thing turned white like paper haha. *sigh. How come when things go bad somehow kuo's name will be written on it? anw I tink he's getting old- can't rmb stuff and mixes things up and looks half-distracted sometimes. maybe it's the stress of being a DHOL. haha. Anw managed to paranoidly squeeze in 5 titrations, (1st screwy one counted :P) the last one I did in the last 3 minutes of the prac, so while everyone else was sitting down calculating and writing stuff I was pottering about with the chemicals.
My paper kena iodine!!! I think there was solution A, B and C on my paper somehow, and with one swipe of my hand mixed them all together and there are streaks of blue-black. Grrrr. Thought it might happen for Bio. Never expected it for Chem. grrrrr.
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Friday, August 27, 2004, 12:09 a.m.
I had this really weirdy nightmare. Must be the post-oral jitters.
I was going for english oral, so I went into this room. It's not the room on 4th floor of library, it's this quite dimly lit, narrow room, with bookshelves lining the walls and lots and lots of files on the shelves. There was a big wooden table, it took up the centre of the room, and lots of stacks of papers on it, and even more stacks of papers on the floor. There was only one examiner, a grumpy old woman fogey, sitting left of the big table.
Then just as I started to read the passage, sqms burst into the room in one line, like playing choo-choo train liddat, (national day?) touching the files and lots of other stuff, making one round around the room, den just as they left wx waved to me and they disappeared out the door. Ms. Old Fogey gets even grumpier.
Then next some teacher rushed in, wanted to speak to Ms. Old Fogey and I was asked to leave the room. I watched them discussing and almost getting into an argument, then I was called back inside again, Ms. Old Fogey was in a positive bad mood.
Just as I was about to start reading again, suddenly the small room become bigger, then the whole school was pouring into the room as if it's assembly in that little room! The room expanded as more and more students crowded in, then I got really scared and puzzled. Spotted gen in one corner (I also dunno how she got into the dream one :s) and I asked her what was happening and she looked abit guilty and said she was supposed to be the one to tell the school not to go into this room for assembly. Then I was quite astounded and still dunno what's happening.
By this time Ms. Old Fogey had enough. She said she's going to give me 0/25 (choi!) for my oral because she was disgusted at our school's lack of protocol for o level oral exams. Then I was screaming in her face WHY? because it wasn't my fault all this was happening, and I asked her what's going to become of my o levels coz once you don't sit for oral and you don't have a valid reason, you have no english grade and without passing english you cannot pass 'o's even if you got A1 in everything else (underlined is true fact) and she said something like "you did sit for your oral. You just got a 0." and "go do well for your written papers to pull up your english grade" then I was yelling in her face, screaming at the injustice of it all.
Then somehow I woke up. Dunno why. It was 3am. Drifted back off to sleep.
Then I had another dream. This time sqms were at some dimly lit basketball-court sitting around, crapping or walking about. I went to them and told them about the oral dream... can't remember how they reacted. Then some other things happened... very hazy... don't remember.
I just realised... I don't know if I actually woke up in the night at 3am or just dreamt that I woke up at 3am. Oh man this is sooo freaky.
Good thing this dream happened after oral. Else I'll be so freaked.
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Thursday, August 26, 2004, 12:10 a.m.
There. Just 15 minutes, and English oral's over :)
It was a normal blah kind of passage and pic, about a gathering of friends discussing places to go. I HATE the convo parts! There was this "....!" she pleaded bit. What do you want us to do? whine?
For the pic it was about a group of friends tokking away in some living room. Carpet, lots of people, that carpet, people... that carpet looks kinda familiar... where did I see this before... oh. yar. Maybe. But anyway I said they were probably neighbours. Dunno why they keep asking me to refer to the pic for evidence. Blahed something about how their age gap is huge so they can't be classmates
The convo was at first really ???
Tell us about the time you went to an unexpected place.
I blanked for about 10 seconds. Then smiled back really wide at them and went on about how I first stumbled upon the Bukit Timah Saddle Club, :D:D:D (unexpected for me!) and how something so naturally beautiful and countryside and peaceful, lots of horses, lots of greenery, can lie soo near two super-busy expressways in prime district 10 (unexpected in a wider sense!) uh. At least that was how I hope it got across to them :p
The examiners were friendly, young, happy shiny people. Yay :) But don't know why they found each one of us so funny. :s They were laughing after chrissie left, I had to wait outside let them finish laughing, den marian said they laughed for 3 min after I left, then aud said they laughed so loud while marian was in the room they could hear the examiners from outside. Ms Choo said the feedback from the examiners was that they enjoyed themselves very much. I think we could see that already. ;)
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Wednesday, August 25, 2004, 11:48 p.m.
"What is that book?" Leila asked.
Parvana picked up the small book with the paper cover. "It's in English," she said, pointing at the letters.
"You know some English," Leila urged. "Tell us what it says".
Parvana's English was not very good, and she had to concentrate, which was hard. Her brain had that sluggish feeling it always got when she was hungry. (me too! :P) She sounded out the words the way her father had taught her, then translated them.
"To Kill a Mockingbird," she said slowly.
"What's a mockingbird?" Asif asked.
Parvana didn't know. "It's like a... a chicken," she said. "This book is about killing chickens."
"That's dumb," Asif said. "Why would anyone write a whole book about killing chickens?"
"There are lots of ways to kill a pigeon," Leila said. "Maybe there are lots of ways to kill a chicken. Maybe it's a book that tells us the best way to kill a chicken. Or maybe it's about what to do with a chicken once it has been killed. You know, different ways to cook it."
"Do you suppos the book tastes like chicken?" Leila asked.
"No, I wouldn't think so," Parvana said.
"It probably does," Asif said. "She's probably keeping it all for herself. She's mean like that."
"Parvana's not mean," Leila insisted, which was the first nice thing she had said about Parvana since the bombing. "If that book was good to eat, she'd share it with us".
"She's meaner than an old goat," Asif said.
"Oh, here, see for yourselves!" Parvana tore some pages out of the mockingbird book and handed them out.
"What about you?" Leila asked. "You must be hungry, too."
Parvana tore a page out for herself and one for Hassan, but Hassan was getting that floppy-baby look again and wasn't interested.
"What are we waiting for?" Parvana asked. She bit into the page, tearing a chunk off with her teeth. The others did the same.
The book didn't taste like chicken. It didn't taste like anything, but it was something to chew on, and each child ate another page after they finished the first.
-Excerpt from "Parvana's Journey" by Deborah Ellis.
I love this book! It's a really sad and poignant story about Afghanistan children in war. But despite all the devastation and stuff going on there are such humorous yet sad passages like these. Beautiful.
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Friday, August 20, 2004, 11:51 p.m.
"What is that book?" Leila asked.
Parvana picked up the small book with the paper cover. "It's in English," she said, pointing at the letters.
"You know some English," Leila urged. "Tell us what it says".
Parvana's English was not very good, and she had to concentrate, which was hard. Her brain had that sluggish feeling it always got when she was hungry. (me too! :P) She sounded out the words the way her father had taught her, then translated them.
"To Kill a Mockingbird," she said slowly.
"What's a mockingbird?" Asif asked.
Parvana didn't know. "It's like a... a chicken," she said. "This book is about killing chickens."
"That's dumb," Asif said. "Why would anyone write a whole book about killing chickens?"
"There are lots of ways to kill a pigeon," Leila said. "Maybe there are lots of ways to kill a chicken. Maybe it's a book that tells us the best way to kill a chicken. Or maybe it's about what to do with a chicken once it has been killed. You know, different ways to cook it."
"Do you suppos the book tastes like chicken?" Leila asked.
"No, I wouldn't think so," Parvana said.
"It probably does," Asif said. "She's probably keeping it all for herself. She's mean like that."
"Parvana's not mean," Leila insisted, which was the first nice thing she had said about Parvana since the bombing. "If that book was good to eat, she'd share it with us".
"She's meaner than an old goat," Asif said.
"Oh, here, see for yourselves!" Parvana tore some pages out of the mockingbird book and handed them out.
"What about you?" Leila asked. "You must be hungry, too."
Parvana tore a page out for herself and one for Hassan, but Hassan was getting that floppy-baby look again and wasn't interested.
"What are we waiting for?" Parvana asked. She bit into the page, tearing a chunk off with her teeth. The others did the same.
The book didn't taste like chicken. It didn't taste like anything, but it was something to chew on, and each child ate another page after they finished the first.
-Excerpt from "Parvana's Journey" by Deborah Ellis.
I got a kick from reading this one ;) Though it's a really sad and poignant story about Afghanistan children in war.
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Friday, August 20, 2004, 11:51 p.m.
"Through international education, experience and community service, United World Colleges enable young people to become responsible citizens, politically and environmentally aware, and committed to the ideals of peace and justice, understanding and cooperation, and the implementation of these ideals through action and personal example."
Tomorrow is sg's bdae! :)
Fri morn there was the NDP parade (can't see anything. Fine. I'm short.) then shortly after that was in the sian sian cynical kind of mood. I thought it was a 4/13 thing (I have been disillusioned, remember?) but, ah well, it seems to be a school thing haha. Too much stress liao probably.
Went off to find sqms, and the mood lightened considerably :D Before long we were screaming, cheering, jumping, singing, kicking, waving... so HIGH! Good opportunity to just throw everything out the window and dance and sing (or try to :P) and just have lots and lots and lots of fun in the process. Thanks B36 for the choc and sweets! *munch *gobble. Gets sugar high ;)
Somehow in the process I realised these moments are so fleeting, so transient... and it's going to be one of the last times our squad will get high together in this school, with the unit, and especially with so many of each other... I guess later 4/7 also realised it tt's why they cried. For me it just made me treasure the experience more and more with each passing minute, looking into the face of my sqms and wondering when I'll ever see that many smiling, cheering and getting high again.
Oh dear. Then farewell's going to be really hard.
After the party was over had to go back to angie's house to chorograph the rest of our PE dance. *sigh. All of us were complaining we can't go out/ go home/ go do whatever we wanted. But aniwae IT'S FINISHED! YAY! *screams. Halfway through the dance we were hungry so angie's very nice mummy :) went to mos burger and ordered our lunch and brought it back all the way to the function room. Thank you! And the unagi rice burger is really tasty!
I was just flat out afterwards. Went home and slept.zzzzzz. But was happy anyway. :)
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Sunday, August 8, 2004, 09:28 a.m.
I believe there is an important distinction to be made between religion and spirituality. Religion I take to be concerned with belief in the claims to salvation of one faith tradition or another--an aspect of which is acceptance of some form of meta-physical or philosophical reality, including perhaps an idea of heaven or hell. Connected with this are religious teachings or dogma, ritual, prayers and so on. Spirituality I take to be concerned with those qualities of the human spirit--such as love and compassion, patience, tolerance, forgiveness, contentment, a sense of responsibility, a sense of harmony, which bring happiness to both self and others.
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Thursday, August 5, 2004, 07:44 p.m.
Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is bliss, taste it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it.
~Mother Teresa
(Q: What is scarier than someone chasing you to go to sleep?
A: TWO people chasing you to go to sleep. Yesh yesh mummy I'm going to sleep and yesh you too hope not to keep bumping into you online at 4 in the morning)
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Monday, August 2, 2004, 03:44 a.m.
(will be getting sleep soon as I finish this entry. need to respond to that)
The experience -same. different. mostly same.
Don't know which is better-> it's not for me to judge whose circumstances are better. And judge by what? Whether it made you happy? Made the other person happy? Whether it's right? meaningful? lasting? Yeah so you get the point.
It's a fine line between cherishing memories and clinging on to them. Or (my 2 cents worth), worse, clinging on to people.
I know.
I used to too. For all of 5 minutes.
Because there is also another fine line between letting go freely and letting go but ending up pining for lost words she said, actions she done, which could have actually helped carry you through when she isn't around any more.
Then again, there is no harm in storing it inside if she doesn't know.
The important thing is she doesn't know
Like, you don't really want to scare her with that kind of intensity too much. She suspects, her fears confirmed, she'll change.
That was my experience anyway. Maybe she changed because of something else- I won't know.
I don't have any advice- don't know what works for you. Only to take care (",) that's what she said too.
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Monday, August 2, 2004, 01:55 a.m.
s***. It's getting more and more obvious daddy and mummy wants me to go somewhere there. So how do I start telling them. They'll probably throw me out of the house. (btw now they have 2 reasons to throw me out the house liao) Fine. Back to rule #1: Don't give them anything to worry about. Make them happy :) I guess it's not tt bad, really. Will cross the bridge when I come to it. Things will sort itself out with time. Won't mull too much.
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Monday, August 2, 2004, 01:38 a.m.
Went to angie's (as in angie fr. 4/13, not some short form for bro bear) house to choreograph our dance for PE... Hahaish... our hip-hop dance is turning out to be like country line dance. Guess it's influenced by our choice of music (Shania Twain's Man I Feel like a Woman) whooops. But nvm it's coming out pretty fine and good especially for us who have like almost no dance experience ;)
Oh found out I missed condo life too with the swimming pool and pebbly paths and landscaped gardens and better security etc. Oh btw on the way to her block I met this scraggly raggy looking Sheltie who looked at me curiously then tore away barking madly. :S Ah well Mintie looks MUCH better.
Angie's room is intimidating with bookshelf after bookshelf of TYS/Assessment books/Guide books of every single subject... + A level stuff some more *shudders*... can open reference bookstore liao. But her bed is BIG! It's big enough for two but half of it is like taken up by 50+++ soft toys so it becomes big enough for one :) I wonder how she can study in her room. If I were her I'll probably refuse to get out of bed everyday. So big and comfy! But ah well I am me and angie is angie. ;)
*screwing up eyebrows trying to remember the steps*
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Monday, August 2, 2004, 01:22 a.m.
*sigh.
Mummy's sick. And like any mum on this earth she'll still get pissed/ clean up the house/ go to work/ do other mummy things whether she's sick or not. Let's talk about the get pissed part.
First bro made her pissed coz she (finally!) caught him playing computer games at 3.30am when he has to wake up at 6.30am to report for some army thingummy the next day. Oh btw, he couldn't wake up and almost was late :( or that was what I heard. :S And also because he can't get into a local U now :(:(:( even when NTU had a record intake of poly graduates this year, and also he doesn't want to go overseas. *sigh. Seriously I don't see what's tt bad about not having a degree... in sg still can make an honest living. Not glam and high-flying, but enough to get by. But oh well parents are parents.
Then next sis made her angry coz she's spending too much time yakking on the phone and online. As in WAY TOO MUCH. Like talking on the phone from 12am-5am then cannot wake up for school or piano lessons. And it's with a guy. The same guy. Anytime you look at her hp there will be a missed call or 1/2/3++ message(s) received. I suspect it's always him. Yukyuk. And she's actually doing the "you put down first..." thingy. (pukes blood)
"I don't want to pressurize you, but we're all counting on you" <- Daddy said. As in counting on me to score well for 'O's, to get into JC then U blah blah... and not get addicted to net/phone/whatever on the way. Personally I don't mind. Every parent has high hopes for their children. And my parents gave me so much in life to help me succeed- lots of love, roof over my head, 3 meals a day, anything I want they'll get for me (fine I know they spoil me lots :P) so if I don't produce something commendable it's not doing justice to all the gifts I have been given. But in a way while they saying this isn't it NOT doing justice to my bro/sis, sis especially? Bro now they are trying to push him to buck up and stuff but sis they are kind of letting her be... and she's like the smartest one of us all (highest psle t-score, all her grades in s1/s2 beat mine) so why don't they also tell her to as well... or now I get it. They're expecting me to do it for them is it. Man.
Now all I want for them is to be happy- they have gone through soooo much to bring us up- me especially I guess- looking back I think I have been a very difficult child and teen :( It's really time for them to just relax and enjoy life and start retiring and doing things they always wanted to do without having to worry about us so much. As with everything else, easier said than done.
Was cuddling up on the couch with mummy to watch TV today. Somehow I have this yu4 gan3 that I must really really really treasure these times. It doesn't take a religion to tell you that life, and all its happy times, is transient. Really, anybody can see that.
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Monday, August 2, 2004, 12:53 a.m.
JJ concert
Hahaz. I think it's real sad.
Nono, not the concert and not him. :) But the fact that the school has to make it COMPULSORY for students to attend a concert by a pop star. A local one at that *claps* though I don't think he is particularly brilliant. Can sing, got looks, can dance, but... so-so-ish.
So in front there were people screaming and waving posters and going wild and where I am were people reading books, doing hw, going toilet in the middle of the concert. Oh yeah and there are people waving and screaming and pretending to be his fans as well. (when he wave back they broke into fits of laughter)
Then when JJ came down the stage to shake hands of the fans, the pretenders rushed up to him, clamouring to shake his hand just like a real fan.
"LIN JUN JIE, WO AI NI!" (shakes hand)
(JJ smiles back)
"Actually, I don't even know who you are"
Not that I approve of it. But it just makes you see the reality of things... amidst all the crazy crazy fans going hysterical.
PLEASE. He is just a guy, a normal human who happens to have a career that places him in the spotlight all the time. He's not going to appreciate your hysteria and screaming. He's probably heard it all before a zillion times. If you disappeared off the face of the earth he won't even notice because he never knew you existed in the first place.
Maybe I'm a little wet-blanketish, but the point is still... know your limits and put it in perspective. :) yeah!
P.S. Not directing this at anyone. Just sharing my feelings up on my blog.
P.P.S. (added 12.51am) Just found out his eng name is Wayne. And he's an acs (i) boy. oh whatever.
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Sunday, August 1, 2004, 08:42 a.m.
Heavenly Father,
Help us remember that the jerk who cut us off in traffic last night is a single mother who worked nine hours that day and is rushing home to cook dinner, help with homework, do the laundry and spend a few precious moments with her children.
Help us to remember that the pierced, tattooed, disinterested young man who can't make change correctly is a worried 19-year-old college student, balancing his apprehension over final exams with his fear of not getting his student loans for next semester.
Remind us, Lord, that the scary looking bum, begging for money in the same spot every day (who really ought to get a job!) is a slave to addictions that we can only imagine in our worst nightmares.
Help us to remember that the old couple walking annoyingly slow through the store aisles and blocking our shopping progress are savoring this moment, knowing that, based on the biopsy report she got back last week, this will be the last year that they go shopping together.
Heavenly Father, remind us each day that, of all the gifts you give us, the greatest gift is love. It is not enough to share that love with those we hold dear. Open our hearts not to just those who are close to us, but to all humanity. Let us be slow to judge and quick to forgive, show patience, empathy and love.
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Monday, July 26, 2004, 05:24 a.m.
It is just one of those songs you have never listened to much before, then suddenly the lyrics and tune pop into your head and just stays there, repeating and repeating, till something inside you stirs and you go look it up on the net.
"Love will keep us alive" by the Eagles.
The lyrics are nice, but they don't mean much to me. Not yet anw. Except tt line that popped into my mind
"When we're hungry, love will keep us alive".
Everyone knows health is more important than money/success/fame/whatever.
But love is more important than health.
I'll rather be sick and live in a world of love than be healthy and live in a world without it.
Which type of love, you ask?
The love you see in the eyes of a mother and her child.
The love you see in the eyes of a friend.
The love that makes humanity human.
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Thursday, July 22, 2004, 02:17 a.m.
When pleasure becomes pain, it is time to let go.
Because in the very heart of that pleasure is pain itself.
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Thursday, July 22, 2004, 02:02 a.m.
This is so disgusting. I come home and the only thing I want to/can do is to get into bed and sleep. Sleep from afternoon till midnight. Midnight go downstairs and find my dinner gone sour. chou4 suan1 liao. No choice but to throw away. On previous nights when my dinner still edible I will eat it up then, what you expect? Go back to sleep from dawn till morning.
In school when I thought I HAD enough sleep, the lessons make me plonk my head back on the table and sleep again. So the whole day and night I've been doing nothing but sleep. hw thrown out the window. If this continues on I'm going to make that literal.
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Thursday, July 22, 2004, 01:46 a.m.
*shakes head vigorously. Need to clear up all the smoky fog drifting about in my head. Just reread my blog and all its complex entries lately, man, realised I think so much it becomes painful to read.
Nowadays when Dad goes up to my room to wake me up for breakfast he can't find me there- I'm always sleeping at the sofa now. It's got the backing that's really comforting to snuggle up to. And also it's quite near the altar... so even more comforting. Amitabha.
Today Mum took over the sofa :( Probably fell asleep watching TV again. I feel if she's really so stressed then she should just quit her job. In her own words, "if the job of a PM, the most impt job in Sg also people can take over, mine also can, hor". I agree. Anyway she's been holding to this s*** job for 5 years and her feelings towards it hasn't improved much. If it was me and a job I didn't like I'd have probably given it up in 1 year. Btw if she quits her job and our household income is less then we can move back into a HDB flat :D:D:D
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Thursday, July 22, 2004, 01:34 a.m.
You're not responding. I should just give up.
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Tuesday, July 13, 2004, 03:13 p.m.
I don't go out of my way to make her happy. It's not my job to make anybody happy for that matter.
But I feel I owe her a lot. Too much.
Somehow everytime I say something I need to tell her she gets sad. Really sad. That look on her face came from deep in her heart. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I shouldn't take it so seriously- but it looks that way to me.
I'd only made her smile once.
I fell asleep to her smile last night. Nothing out-of-the-ordinary or unusual though. I always fall asleep to others' smiles, laughter, hugs, etc. Very cosy feeling in the <3 and very good to sleep to.
Hear the pegs from downstairs the campcraft plot. Shall go down now and see B36's first act :D.
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Tuesday, July 13, 2004, 02:58 p.m.
-that was a more religious side of me just now. I swear I didn't mean to make anyone feel comfortable. pple with religion. free thinkers. anyone-
-back to student life-
I know if I go home probably sis will be hogging the com. She hogs the com by day, the phone by night and dawn. <- yeah dawn, probably everyday such tt she always wakes up late for school. *stoopid woman.
So yesh I'm stuck in school blogging then I'll get down to hw I've been owing for 3 weeks. Mrs. Lim, for once (!!!) is getting angry at me (which, I guess, is good because I'm sick of her being so especially sickeningly sweet to me, still rmb sam wanted me to go ask her for extension for the class coz "she loves you la". *Bleah)
Bye Zoe! Bye Cheryl! *waves.
I'm the only one left in class now.
I wonder if I feel closer to people partially because I see part of my childhood in them. The same way guys are supposed to be attracted to girls who look like the guys' own mothers. <- NO I didn't make it up! I read it somewhere, can't rmb whether newspapers/mag/Internet.
cheryl duckie, coz she was in an ittylittleteenytiny bit of my childhood, and more imptly she stays at where I used to stay when I was younger. When I go to her house now and see my ex-ex-house, I remember the days when I was 9 or 10 - when I was still excited about moving house, coz it was my first time.
wen qi, yinkae, even emily from 4/9 coz the impression I get of their mums is that of how I felt my mum was in my childhood. Believe me, she has changed a lot. I suspect it's the guilt of being a full-time working mum. I don't know.
wan xin especially... man, I think we have gone through the same childhood lor! She used to live in Blk 219, I was in Blk 223, Bukit Batok East Avenue 3. We always attended the Lantern Festival celebrations organised by the RC, remembered the super-pro playground, which still had real sand at that time (and not some high-tech rubber foam) on Bukit Batok Hill which even had a flying-fox, never mind that it didn't work. For a 5 year old, a flying fox is still an impressive thing. And also she knew my neighbour, Amanda because she was her classmate and friend and also she was the Head Prefect in Keming Pri. I knew Amanda because I frequently went over to her house and played with Barbie dolls and masak-masak, and what-nots while our mums chatted. We spent our childhoods in the same estate, and funny thing was I didn't meet her till NYNP.
Now it's ee-zai and her church. Because I was still pretty young when my cousins converted to their church. I suspect they were about my age or older, then I was this li'l girl of... 6? 7? Not that sure. It made BIG news in our conservative family tree. I mean, usu. we not very close to them, visit prob. 1-2 times a year, don't get too involved in each others' affairs... so to hear smth from them when it's not New Year or CNY it has to be a pretty big thing.
And btw yar our family man2 conservative de. Dad likes to think he is liberal and open-minded but actually he's not and I'm glad he's showing signs he realises it. Not that it is bad being conservative. I'm perfectly ok with that. Just that I thought it is better to know yourself and be true to yourself. Not that I'm saying he's fake <- somehow it's not a word you use to describe your parents.
& it's not just the church-y part. Her character in general reminds me of the environment I used to grow up in- something more rough-and-tumble, noisy, loud but somehow still warm and meaningful... cute??? nono you can keep calling yourself cute ;) but no BB was not a cute place ;) Not like now when everything around has the snob factor, and it's really quiet, ulu and no-one around kind of feeling, cold, both physically and figuratively... closed-up, people are just separated by walls and gates and alarms and angry dogs. I love my grass and my balcony. But still it is not enough. I have asked my mum when can we move back to a HDB flat. I miss it sooo much. *tear.
Haaa now I feel weird. Because all this used to be somewhere in my subconscious, something tt's around but I don't think about much. And now not only brought to consciousness, but up on the so-public web. Hahaz.
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Tuesday, July 13, 2004, 02:07 p.m.
-which reminds me- I want her to come over and talk heart-to-heart and spend a relatively quieter day, then she invites one whole party of people come over and cook pasta at my house and crap. Last time I want to be surrounded by noise and people, all I had was a quiet time. *shakes head. sheesh.
She didn't say anything about it anywhere so far, I guess she has her reasons ba. Come to think of it, I haven't talked much about it either. *wry smile. We both have our reasons ba.
Sometimes I still wonder. Whether it's still one-sided. Stacked against her or stacked against me. Or both. I'm watching her, but not saying anything. She's probably watching me too.
Just to let you know, Amazing is on repeat right now. It helped me come up with the religion-country analogy and my current MSN nick.
Adonai|Allah|Buddha|Elohim|God|Hari|
|Jehovah|Krishna|Lord|Rama|Vishnu|Yahwey| on the roundtable of humanity~ (l)ove.
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Sunday, July 11, 2004, 10:43 p.m.
-friendship-
this one is for you. <3
Arguments doesn't usually form the core of a friendship. Arguments result from a clash of opinion. If opinions clash so much, people don't usually form friendships.
Usually.
But Life is unusual.
We argue because you had something you wanted very much to get across to me. And I had things I wanted very much to get across to you.
You wanted to get it across because you cared.
I wanted to get it across because I was listening and taking your words seriously.
It would be tragic if at that point, we didn't argue. Because it would mean you didn't care and I didn't care about what you were saying.
If you look around, you realise only people who are close argue. Best friends argue. Husband and wife argue. Parent and child argue. If you aren't close, you won't be able to communicate with the other party anyway, let alone get into an argument.
But of course. I'm not saying arguing is a virtue to be upheld. In the long run it would hurt a lot of feelings. Arguments can damage this friendship irreparably just like it strengthened it.
I've shared lots with you. Sometimes, when I talk to you, I let my subconscious take over. Not just during that time. Before, on the phone, it's also happened. You were hearing my soul speak. Not the me you knew (tho I know you keep saying you don't know me well) but the me that is usually kept hidden, even from the conscious me. The one that comes out only while I cross the line from waking to dreams, or when I'm left alone to have a really good think.
Now some little part of you has gone right inside, and it looks to stay there- not just as a sweet memory, but as a part of my subconscious- you know, right in deep. It feels like an extension of my self- like an extra hand. But that is different from dependence- which I'm very careful to avoid. If I lost it somehow, I am still complete. So in conclusion you can say that small part of you inside complements my subconscious- it doesn't complete it.
And about religion- don't think we are that different. It is different yes, but it is more same. We (as in humankind, not just me and you) are more same than different. We run to different altars, but we both ran. We both lighted the fire. We are both hungry for a special touch. (am I ruining the songs? pls forgive me if I just did :X) And the more I step into your world, the more I'm happy that I am soaking in all these experiences that are enriching me.
You know what would be nice? After the 'O' levels, in the hols, I spend 3 days away from home, all by myself- at some fave place like Changi Beach. 72 hours without talking to anyone, interacting with anyone. Won't bring my phone, shall just be uncontactable. Just spend my days by myself watching the waves crash, the children playing, the planes fly... or just doing nothing. When I'm sick of the beach then I go over to Changi Airport, places like the departure/arrival hall, and just watch people... hugging, kissing, laughing, crying, waving goodbye or hello... that kind of thing. And see all the different kinds of people... all different nationalities, and there will be children, businessmen, the elderly... Then back I go to Changi Beach, and watch a sunrise and a sunset in full glory for once, not just the occasional glimpse as I rush to school. Then too I will stay up to find out what exactly a "moonrise" is. (look at the weather forecast in the papers, it's smth tt's supposed to happen around 2-3am)That would be so nice...
Dream bubble broke. Back to reality.
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Thursday, July 8, 2004, 08:39 p.m.
I must stop cussing
Enough pple are getting pissed off already. and no pissed is not a swear word.
I shut up, I'm selfish.
I speak out, I'm selfish.
This time I shut up, I'm bluffing my parents.
I keep things in, I upset people
I let things out, I upset people too.
People who are stressed hang up on me.
People whom I stress also hang up on me.
When I feel like crying, I scream at everyone else
When I feel like screaming at everyone else, I cry.
I'm really more numb than angry. Don't know why it comes out so angry. suan le.
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Thursday, July 8, 2004, 08:25 p.m.
I swear, I really, really, really never expected POP to end up like this. I just thought I will be sad, ok v. sad, and cry my heart out. I never thought I'll be sad till the brink of being unstable. This is madness.
I really liked tt part before the parade... when we fall-in and drill one last time, with the old (by now, antique?) timing of 1-2-3-4 1... tt we only used in s1... reminds me of lin yan m and how 35 was under 32 and we were still new and blur and cute... and those days, like all the rest, won't come back.
The actual parade itself... not much to blog about actually- we did so many parade rehearsals the real thing just almost felt like yet another one. Feeling myself grow heavy and grow roots during Chai's speech and the whole time we are standing there... just thinking about how I stood like this in one form or another this 4 years... *memories yet again. I didn't really cry for the whole parade, tears couldn't come out... it was only after xinyi shouted out the last command and those last steps that it all suddenly started to come out. gushing...
I loved the food... I love food... was requesting for lots, but dunno why when they came onto my plate I suddenly had no appetite and didn't want to eat much. I'm sooo sorry. (why did Chai have to call me out for Target stuff in the middle of performance? spoil my qi fen -_-||) the performances was good! *claps... The presents are made with loads of effort... lots of meaning... thank you so much! *muacks. oh and the whole time after tt was piccytaking all the waay.... smile! personally I hate to take pics but this time it was to store the memories... so... must take...<3.
At Cheryl's hse tt part early on I was still ok... 36 all crammed in her bro's room where they were crapping and laming away... its mostly dem wad :) Was looking at all their faces... them laughing, reading, talking, dozing off... and storing them all in, becoz I noe there'll never be anytime like this soon.
I think the drum room thingy kind of foreshadowed what was going to happen to me. As in mine wasn't a replica and not tt (*shocking!) but the basics were there.
It started when 36 was leaving... continued on to today about now- I've just healed now- as in this very line- all those lines above I was still in my unstable mood. Now at least its balanced but I'm too tired to do anything like study. All my hw wadeva is left to rot.
It wasn't really so much about POP and leaving. Not everything anyway.
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Monday, July 5, 2004, 04:25 p.m.
-crying-
that's what I've been doing lots- even more than last year lor- last year got cry more, but it was s p a c e d o u t and not so concentrated up in a short period of time like this year.
It's not so much about the POP and leaving and memories (of course a part is about tt) but... especially the Area 15 campfire... some people can suan1 me and my post from the time I take over till 1 week before I pass out.. after all that I've done for my post... during the refreshment bit 5- 5.20 I was lashing out at every single sqm in NP room so that I wouldn't scream at her. I really, really, cross my heart, really wanted to scream at her.
I don't care who she is. I don't care who is around. I don't care what others think of me. That was what I would like to think.
Like it or not, I HAD to think about who she was. And who was around. And what others are going to think of me.
The campfire realli realli rocked! Built up the atmosphere till we all got so hiiiiiggghh... like crazy pple jumping up and down and dancing and singing... I decided to shove the whole thing aside to the back of my mind and enjoy our last campfire to the max. Besides, if I had waited one year, I could wait a few more hours.
After campfire/clearing up, that was when it came back again. I had 3 choices-
1) Scream at her in front of whoever was left- unit, other units' CIs, Mr Chan Fook Sum, Mr. Chai etc.
2) Bottle it up like how I used to and let it kill me inside while I forever hold my peace
3) Cry.
As usual, it was option no. 3. In front of sqms/cadets/even Mr. Chai. (mostly visitors/VIPs gone by tt time) And of course even with her around tho I don't think she even noticed. thank you so much sqms <3 *hug for always standing by me. And for YOU, thanks A LOT. *glare.
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Friday, July 2, 2004, 08:40 p.m.
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when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Friday, July 2, 2004, 08:25 p.m.
Think about old times and people in your past with whom you have had strong connections, dear Scorpio. Remember the good times you have shared with people of common interests and similar recreational hobbies. Feel free to be sentimental and mushy today. Mend bridges and bring consolations to sticky issues. Be harmonious with the people and situations around you. World peace begins with you. Incorporate more of this ideal into your daily life.
man, I actually get permission to brood over POP and these 4 years of NYNP... been thinking (and crying a lot)
Target is almost done short for one article! It is so beautiful!
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Tuesday, June 29, 2004, 02:45 a.m.
I am feeling angry because a 37-er slammed the phone down on me.
I am feeling pissed because the alumni email doesn't work and I have to send to them one-by-one. AGAIN. As usual, they don't appreciate and they still can't pass messages down by themselves.
I am feeling curious because I wonder why everyone has to go through a third party to get to me. Am I THAT unapprochable?
I am feeling edgy because we have such a volatile mix of people for Functions for 36. It can literally go either way- all the way up or all the way down. because ma'ams changed it.
I am feeling nostalgic looking at all the s4 lsc pics and choosing the squad one to put in Target.
I am feeling excited because Target is completing and it rox all the way down this year!
I am feeling scared I would be left with almost nothing in a weeks time.
I am feeling reminscient of all the times ago triggered off by present events that are so similar.
Maybe I'm just confused.
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Friday, June 25, 2004, 10:32 p.m.
I've been running away from the thought of POP all this time, because sqms thoughts on blogs/articles/song lyrics are making me cry... don't really want to know what my own thoughts will do to me. But if you keep running away from them one day very soon they'll all come back to you all at once and that will be much harder to take.
I'm scared.
From practically nothing 5 years ago to being everything I build my student life on now, everything I think about each day, everything I include in while making decisions, everyone I depended on to survive those sick times, everyone I depend on to preserve my sanity during such crazy (as in the chaotic sense, not the happy funny sense) times, it has just become almost everything. And as I have said, it has been a long 4 years. We went through a lot. We learnt a lot. We've been together for such a long time. We done so many things together- yes, drill/campcraft/NCOship, and also laugh together, cry together, talk together, eat together, sleep together, play together, study together, slack together... spending whole days together makes my life richer than anything else at this moment. *starting to cry*
Come this July 4th... like it or not, whether we want to or not, all this is going to change, and nothing will be able to bring it back the same way even if we try. And all this everything will become... not exactly nothing, but close to it.
I wonder whether these memories will fade away to become just that- memories, the same way only memories are left with regards to my childhood. Almost everything has changed since then- the old Bukit Batok estate, the people, the shops, the things we did. In another 10 years time when I look back, will I be trying to grasp at some forgotten experience, like what I am doing now with things 10 years ago?
And if they do fade, I would be left with nothing but memories and hopes for the future. The experiences long gone, the NP room long given to future batches (*xin tong), the squad outings long stopped so on. Feeling so stripped and bare and naked. Nothing.
I've been letting go of so many things over and over again... and each time I try not to think about it too much. And every time when I least expect it, the memories will come back in full force, and they hurt really, really bad.
So, this time, could you just let me wander around in my memories... indulging in remembered experiences and not try to suppress them and pretend nothing has happened. That will leave me too emotionally affected to do things for a while, but it is better than waiting 10 years and then letting it come out in a more powerful way.
ok... it is not coming out in really the right way... shall stop now. Brain is in too much of a whirl to do hw liao *dazed And this is supposed to be catching up day for hw- ah well thrown out of the window. *sigh.
"will you miss us?"
"as in your squad?"
"no... as in everyone back here in sg"
"yeah of course. I've been here more than half my life wad"
Only now then I am starting to understand... think of all these POP stuff and inevitably I think of you. You are just. so. brave.- how did you have the courage to leave behind everything you've known here and start again somewhere so far away? Now that look on your face during farewell makes a lot more sense. (oh btw wx [24 for midyrs]is freakin scared right now coz she can't imagine doing the same thing you did- although I think the circumstances are worlds apart :S)
and btw I'm really sorry if I did anything wrong... (I'm hearing the "it's ok" coming out again... {from my memories btw} but I'm just beginning to realise what I put you through... and how I didn't really understand what you were getting at all those times. Thanks for having the sense to give up explaining and just agreeing along with me... becoz now I think I finally get it. after 1 year. *sigh.
WAIT WAIT how did a POP stuff entry turn out like this? gah. told you my brain is confused. shall blog another time later. If all this is getting torturous to read for you, then don't bother.
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Friday, June 25, 2004, 01:19 p.m.
Games Day... in the morning before it started I was feeling prety high... other sqms also... finally something we can play(!) that we don't have to plan/budget/logist for... happy! so happy! :D
I really don't know how our group ended up with quieter pple... its pure coincidence I think... not just our batch but s2s and s1s in general as well? :s I'm so sorrreeeeeee....
Gah. Was never good in bball. But was feeling so high... its like this kick from running around and sweating and having so much fun without worrying about whether I can actually shoot or not... woo-hoo! played my heart out!
-rugby fears assuaged- somehow the atmosphere of rugby few years ago has never come back. It used to be so much more than a game... now it is just that- a game. Frisbee was abit -_-||... but otherwise quite ok. Obstacle course was fine... learnt about the taste of flour- so horribly bland its disgusting. I used to think it smelt quite fragrant. *hope they used Prima flour- daddy's company... ok fine fine abit out of point. :P Maybe shall suggest to dad to develop really cheap not-for-consumption flour for things like these... always feel abit xin suan to see good flour go to waste... ok ok i know really really out of point. The food bidding session us you liao are cautious people... 300 points only then scared liao... but we managed to avoid some worthless items tho! The food... I find its enough la.
Not counting the alumni wuming team which (went out of their way to) get 1st... we were 2nd... in the middle... not bad :) The end.
Next comes negotiation time... man... its so hard just to pass out. Even a day also so freaking hard to set. "Is a few hours enough?"- like wth lor. do you remember if a day was enough for your batch? and why do you bother to ask, if you have already made up your mind anyway, the truth is there is already democracy everywhere in NP- competitions (cc and shooting), posts (look at reality: there are highly-aspired to ones and there are others), no. of badges, even types of badges- marksman, total defence, buc, swimming, ya? It's almost getting to the point where some are more equal than others. And we are doing really fine with that. Try to pretend communism is still there with everyone wearing a yellow drill badge? sorry.
CCA CIP... so drowsy and sticky after a crowded, hot bus-ride. Walked on and on to find the chao ulu Cuppage Plaza (I (and majority of pple?) haven't even been there in all my close-to-16 years, and its in Orchard Road?) and the even more ulu little booth. There goes... I'm out on the streets again, holding a can in my hand for the third time this year. (if you'd gone to nosey kittie archives, there's this entry abt how flag day was quite a meaningful and enriching experience for me last time because of how it was done and how it turned out. not this time)
Back to Somerset MRT... my fave place to ask for donations because of the heavy heavy human traffic forced to wait long time for red man to turn green then they can cross ;)
Barely 15 min into the whole thing this girl came up to me and said "could you do a survey? I'll donate to you" and I was like "yeah sure" and it turned out... she wanted me to convert to Christianity. *sigh. I'm just so sorry for her that she has to resort to this. "No, I am not a Christian, and NO, I don't wish to join your church (btw, its not City Harvest this time, not nice to form so many prejudices against them ya?), thank you for your donation," *smile and I walked off.
This time flag day was boringly normal. All the normal people who drop money and take sticker and go off. But anw I learnt that if you approach people less high-up on the social ladder they are likely to donate... people like smokers, taxi-drivers, aunties, old people, children... and those loaded yuppies, professionals etc. treat you like some dirty waif begging for money to eat- man, haven't they done flag day before? Probably not. & if you do not want to donate, could you please go "no thank you" and smile, and not just pretend we are not there? Then there is the group with hearts as big as the sky... they actually look into your eyes and smile and donate... to those I go "thank you so much!" and smile genuinely from my own heart. Also... I hope this does not sound religiously-prejudiced... but... a big percentage of pple (who look local)... who simply ignore me/brush me away... I realise... they... are the ones who wear huge crosses... do they think it makes them look more religious? their actions don't show... or maybe I interpret it another way... maybe they are the group that wears such things as "fashion accesorries"... *sigh... and treat a religion like its some cool fad... sheesh... (last flag day there was this pastor who donated very generously to the Muslim organisation I was raising funds for... I was really so happy- for him, for the Muslim children, for hope that religious harmony can prevail... :))
I asked for the OCBC balloon from the promotor just a few metres away from where I was... *finding my child self again ;) so happy to have it :)
And jiu zhe yang lor... flag day is done. I find the $1 token-of-appreciation thing very ???, donated it back. Sat down on the floor of Cuppage Plaza exchange stories. Guolu's one really takes the cake man.
(prior info:I saw the Singapore Planned Parenthood Assn name and logo on a teen pregnancy poster b4, so tt was what I told sqms when they were asking ard what it was for)
(Guolu approches teen that chuan1 until v. sao1 and look very sexy)
Gl: Hello, would you like to donate?
Teen: No
Gl: You may need it one day. It's for teen pregnancy. *walks away
wow. according to her, teen didn't really do anything. ;)
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Monday, June 21, 2004, 01:46 a.m.
Why do you care what others think about us? We know the truth about how things are and that's all we need to know.
Was there a point in time during ATC when sqms said, "oh look at Bravo, they haven't won best company for years so let's just give them bonus points to push up their rankings?" No. What was happening? All the NCOs were fighting for their own companies to get 1st.
"If we included in ball games, ____ would have won instead" The point is, voiding ball games was the cadets' decision. They didn't know what the rankings were so they were speaking out of their conscience and not bias towards their companies.
I could go on and on but the truth speaks for itself and doesn't require a blog entry to be heard.
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Friday, June 18, 2004, 12:53 p.m.
*snaps out of dreamy mode
GAH. First dad is not around for Vesak, now he's not around for Daddy day, (and now he hasn't even called back once, unlike the China trip he used to call everyday) and I'd to see bro off in Tekong which made me miss the first bit of ATC and now I have to go visit him again. I mean its like, I'm being tied down to family all the time nowadays at the expense of everything while dad goes globetrotting all over. (I'm used to him doing this, but he's gone more than ever now)
Fine the all-girl thing was quite fun for the first day (mum, sister, me and dog) in our turned-girly house, but now its like I'm no.2 in the house and me and mum take turns looking after my sister. & she is B37's age... not tt much younger RITE? gah.
Spent too much time blogging. Back to hw.
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Friday, June 18, 2004, 12:38 p.m.
Busy with planning for target mag... which only reminds me even more we're going to POP liao.
I won't say it's only like yesterday we're sec 1s. Because to me these 4 years have been really long- the longest 4 years of my life so far, especially the last 3. I probably aged by 10 years since P6 (tt makes me 22? haha.) because so many things have been happening and each time I grow up more and more.
My childhood? Days in Bukit Batok buying that 10cents candy from "uncle shop" at Blk 227, (he's still there btw, looking the same as ever) going to the library every thursday for story-telling in pyjamas, papa going to the "parcark" (carpark) to bring us go kai-kai seem like a past life.
How I will feel on that day... I really don't know. Probably just numb, I guess. Hopefully I won't cry- abit diu-lianish. Cannot keep crying la... cry so much liao. But really, I don't know.
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Friday, June 18, 2004, 11:50 a.m.
Went template-surfing because the kittie was getting very irritating. gah. It took a long while, but finally managed to find this gem :)
I don't know if I still believe in angels. I'm really confused about that right now.
Still, I like that whole sepia-brown colour scheme, with the soft edges and light feathery feel... and especially the fact that the angel is faceless.
when we're hungry, love will keep us alive at Friday, June 18, 2004, 11:29 a.m.
